Friday, March 30, 2007

DIGITAL RECTAL STIMULATION (Get your mind out of the gutter!!)

So, there I am laying in the hospital bed. I've been to ICU, then Neurology, and now, finally, I am in the Physical Therapy/Rehab wing of the hospital. I get checked on quite frequently by my nurses and nurse aides. I am quite an unusual case. I have atypical paralysis. (The only thing typical in my life is the typicalness of it.)

My spinal injury is between C5 and C-6, in the neck. But instead of making a line across the nipples, so that I am paralyzed below and normal above, my body has to be weird. My paralysis starts below my right nipple and then cuts diagonally up between my nipples, across my chest, over my left shoulder, and then down my back at the same angle, finally coming around my right side to the starting point.

On top of all that, I lost the ability to grip things. My arms lost a lot of power but stayed fairly functional. But my fingers,... damn, I can't even pick up a cigarette. My neurologist takes to calling me her, “little freak of nature.”

Anyway, I’m laying there and my nurse tells me that it has been 19 days since I’ve pooped. I reply, “no shit!” I hadn't really been counting, but usually I am pretty damn regular.

She tells me that I have to get on the "Bowel Program." Like I had a choice. It’s not like I can stand up and I sure as hell can't run away.

When I asked her to explain, she tells me that she will use suppositories and something called "Digital Rectal Stimulation" to help me... uhhh... “along.”

I am in a stupor from all the drugs and don't really grasp the concept, but I am kind of wondering about “Digital.” What the hell, I think. Is she going to use some Digital Audio Tape to make a lasso and snare my poop? I quietly snicker at the thought. She leaves my room and is back in short order with supplies.

She rolls me over and lubes me up. (You just have to love K-Y) And up the butt goes the old suppository. She tells me that it will be about two hours before it takes affect. She leaves and I slowly drift of to sleep.

I wake up about two hours later to a really weird humming noise. As things start to come into focus I see a lady in a nurse uniform (scrubs) standing next to me. I start to smile and look at her hands.

She is applying K-Y to a large,... no, a HUGE,FUCKING GINORMOUS, black probe. It is every bit of eight inches long and bigger around than my wrist. She smiles down at me in a maniacal sort of way.

Then I notice. The probe has cables running from it to a series of computers and screens on a self contained push cart.

OH MY GOD! DIGITAL RECTAL STIMULATION!

I start screaming for my nurse. I mean in a panic. As loud as I can. Freaking bloody murder. I am yelling for this lady to get away from me. "YOU'RE NOT STICKING THAT IN MY ASS!"

Probe Lady backs away with a really perplexed look on her face. She actually starts to wail and cry as I scream all sorts of bloody-murder-expletives. She drops the probe next to me on the hospital bed. I don't care, I am exit only and that damn thing will rip me in half.

Now the damn probe and it’s cables are laying near my face. I can see the K-Y smeared all over it. It glistens menacingly like a large, black rocket ship of pain. I can here it humming and see it slightly vibrating.

At this point I go over the edge into “Fight or Flight.” I am literally OD'ing on adrenaline. I can't get up and run, so I fight the probe. Because of the paralysis I have no use of my fingers and hands, but I am able to hook my arm in the bed rail and pull myself towards my new enemy. I don't have any weapons on me (I’m in a hospital gown after all) so I lash out with the only natural defense that I have left, my teeth.

I grab the black demon at it's base, where the cables meet it, and sink my teeth into it and the cables. One of the cables is a power cord, and it's shocking (well not the shit, but) the hell out of me. I set my teeth like a Pit Bull and grit it out. I begin pulling with my head, trying to get the cables to disconnect, or pull the cart over. Damn! It just rolls closer. I continue biting and shaking my head and getting shocked.

BUZZZ, CLENCH, SHAKE, SHOCK, BUZZ, CLENCH, SHAKE, SHOCK, BUZZ, CLENCH, SHAKE, SHOCK!! All the while letting out deep throaty roars muffled by the base of the black dildo I have clenched in my teeth!

Finally my nurse runs in to see me looking like a Great White Shark shaking the shit out of a freshly caught seal. She surveys the scene and starts yelling at me.

I drop the probe and plead for help. She gets me calmed down and asks me what happened. As calmly as I can, I explain that the probe is not coming near my ass. I don't care if Digital Rectal Stimulation is best.

She looks at me, then the cart and probe, and then back at me, and then to my utter astonishment she starts laughing hysterically. I am hurt and bewildered and scared.

Finally she gets herself under control and explains.

"Paul, Digital Rectal Stimulation means I stick one of my digits” - she holds up an index finger as an explanation or proof of her statement - "up your butt and massage your colon and prostate in small circles to encourage the bowel muscles to contract and move, forcing your body to poop. It has nothing to do with electronics."

"Well,” I ask in a very scared and belligerent tone, “who the hell is that nurse and what the fuck is that machine?”

“She,” my nurse replies, as calmly as she can, “is here from radiology to make an ultrasound recording of your legs to make sure you are not getting blood clots that could cause a stroke, and that ‘Probe’ is an utrasound reader.”

"OH!"

6 comments:

Mia said...

You, my dear, are an absolute tard. LOL

Kirly said...

V5 - where have you been? everyone in the lounge has been asking about you for weeks and weeks!

Kirly

seejanemom said...

I have to hear about this from MIA.....CRIME....you said you might start a blog>>>>GET THEE BUSY....

XOXOXOXOOXOX

Janie

Princess said...

Where was this story over the weekend?? Seriously? I would have shot vodka tonic out my nose ...

machinegun nurse said...

V5,
I am also a veteran and currently a student nurse in SF. I am doing my pre-lab for my clinical day tomorrow at the hospital and my patient happens to have a C-spine injury from C5 to T1. He is also on the 'shocking' digital rectal stimulation program and I wasnt sure what that was so I had to look it up. Then I come upon your blog and i literally almost shat myself of laughter. I am going to have to print this out and share it with my colleagues.
You have a special way with words and a beautiful attitude towards your injuries. I just wanted to let you know that you made my night with your story and spirit. God bless!
Jose

machinegun nurse said...

V5,
I am also a veteran and currently a student nurse in SF. I am doing my pre-lab for my clinical day tomorrow at the hospital and my patient happens to have a C-spine injury from C5 to T1. He is also on the 'shocking' digital rectal stimulation program and I wasnt sure what that was so I had to look it up. Then I come upon your blog and i literally almost shat myself of laughter. I am going to have to print this out and share it with my colleagues.
You have a special way with words and a beautiful attitude towards your injuries. I just wanted to let you know that you made my night with your story and spirit. God bless!
Jose